I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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