The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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