sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
