When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
