Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
