maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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