I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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