I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Pants are for mortals
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
