i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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