he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
