Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
