I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
