if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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