If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
