All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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