They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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