Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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