How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
