I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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