I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
