apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
