I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
