the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
now i know why i became what i already was.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Randomize
