Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
