Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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