i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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