Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
