Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
