Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
