I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
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