I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
