i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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