can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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