My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
