I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
