I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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