the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
