I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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