i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
