Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
