I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
