I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
