My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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