here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
