My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
