All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
