The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
