I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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