I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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