Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
